Merica USA 1

I'm not sure what i think of America, my teachers never told me we stole this land from the Native Americans. I would move to France but it's in France.

Commercials.

At least the music is free I hear

Sitting bull had restless leg syndrome, probably sat too much.

Trix are the only things that sell

1.Close your eyes 2.take a deep breath.

 this is all, this is real,
E   X   H   A   L   E    
this we all feel.

The Headless Bandit

The Headless Bandit rode into the night.
Children shaking, he caused great fright.
Where had the Bandit's head gone?
Had it wandered on and on?
When quaking boots calling, and howls of great fright.
Out of the darkness, a terrible sight.
The Bandit comes limping, by moon's early light.
A dreadful scream, from pale turned to white.
I think I'll leave, I think I might.
Or this could be my very last night.

Twenty Three - North Carolina

My anxiety used to control me, from the moment I awoke the fear of having to face the world consumed my every thought. I knew how many douche bags I would face in my day if I chose to interact with society. Why are so many people consumed with their own accomplishments and experiences, they don't even listen to you when you're talking to them? We need to slow way the fuck down and appreciate each others' experiences and then add them in to our knowledge of what it is to be human. What do I know though, I'm not even human anymore, I'm just a robot. 

I heard a knock at the tent, Jeff entered. "So, how have you been adjusting to everything" ? he asked. "I guess I've felt pretty normal, surprisingly". I said. "Sit down, I want to tell you what our plan is here". he told me. "The plans for Project Air came to me in a dream one night, I was living in the mountains of North Carolina in a tiny shack". he said. "It was the worst winter I had ever experienced, the snow fell for days and I was trapped in the shack for twenty days, on the twenty first night I had a dream, a voice spoke to me and told me the entire scientific process of turning a human into a robot."  "When I awoke from this life changing dream in a cold sweat I heard a thumping sound coming from the wooden floors' boards."

"Upon hearing the sounds coming from the floor I lifted the board to reveal a tiny frog". he said. I did not like where this story was going. "Let me guess, did you follow the frog somewhere" ? I interrupted. "Yes, I did, how did you know" ? he asked.  "Oh, lucky guess". I replied. "Well, I followed this frog to the coat closet, it turned out there was a secret passage in the back, I followed the frog through the secret passage into a tunnel system which  lead me to the base camp here".  "Ever since the first night of the dream with the voice, I had been having the same dream, but different, amazing scientific theories and instructions on how to create these inventions every night, I assumed it was the voice of God, I did not question them for they were always right" he stated. 

"So you think that God wanted us to become artificial in order to show humanity what, I don't fully understand" ? I inquired. "That's the great thing about faith Tom, you don't have to understand it, you just have to believe in it, I believed in the voices in my head and it turned out they were right every time, they helped me build this entire complex, I had no knowledge of electrical engineering and scientific  processes." he said while spinning his straw hat around his index finger.  I was about to ask him another question when to my surprise my sister Jewel and her husband Crisco who was holding a shot gun to the back of my father's head appeared. "Don't move a muscle bitch, you thought you could kill me with a spider" ? shouted Crisco with a crooked grin.

Twenty Two - Don't try

My name is Tom I am 29 years old, I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I am a robot. The first day went pretty smooth, mostly I sat in my tent with my eyes closed picking up  cable satellite signals with my brain, I must have watched 14 hours of an Different Strokes marathon, that was pretty cool. One of the hardest things to get used to was not being hungry, your mind would be confused at the times of day when you usually ate. I caught myself at one point gnawing on the front of my shirt, it happened to be right around lunch time. 


 I walked out to the center of the cave where everyone was gathered doing Yoga. "What's the point of doing Yoga if our body's are synthetic"? I questioned the group. Jeff answered, "Our bodies though synthetic must be at one with our minds, we are tuning the two as one".   "Oh". I replied. "Also, it keeps our joints from rusting, literally." Father added. I joined the group and soon I began to feel what my father had just described. Both mind and body were functioning as one. Being a robot was not as hard as I had thought at first, it just takes a minute to get used to is really all it is.


After Yoga, Jolene and I played a game of basketball against the guards. After the game I heard one of the guards say to the other  "Hey, man I gotta go take a leak". "Yeah me too, hold up". said the other guard. Upon hearing them, I thought to myself "Hey, I think I have to take a leak also". So I followed them to the bathroom. They turned around at the bathroom entrance at the same time and one of them said, "What the fuck do you think you doing" ? I responded "Well, to be honest with you I was thinking about taking a leak, that's pretty much it, is that not what the bathroom is for"? The guard on the left turned around to go towards the bathroom, but suddenly he swung back around. The guard knocked me to the ground with an uppercut to the face. I felt my nose, "What is this, why do I feel pain"? The voice in my head answered me. "You have synthetic nerve endings in your robotic body identical to the human body, with time you will feel more and more being re-activated".  I got back up to defend myself but to my surprise both guards were already busy peeing down a hole in the center of the room. Their pee was bright neon glowing and there was clouds of steam coming from their streams. "What the fuck"? I shouted. "It's the plutonium condensation, didn't he tell you we're nuclear, you got about enough plutonium in your stomach right now to power a Russian sub, ha ha ha." laughed the guard. I started to feel a rumbling in my stomach, I knew I had to pee, but I was leery of the plutonium. 


My first day as a robot was a learning experience, but all in all it was fun. I knew that soon my Father would be filling me in on the true purpose of all of this. I knew that he had a plan, or at least I hoped he did. Just then I heard Fathers' voice,  "Son I need to talk to you in about an hour, I will meet you at your room, it's rather important." This was it, the meaning of it all, why was I here, I would soon find out.

Twenty One - More Frog

The inside of the operating tent was comforting, The walls on the inside were coated with white plastic, everything looked double sterile. "Just lay back on the table, we'll give you some gas and when you wake up you will be in your new self Thomas". said Father. I hopped onto the table and put the mask on. "Count down from One Hundred Thomas", said Father. "One Hundredd" instantly the gas kicked on at full burst, "Sorry, I'll turn it down". said Jeff. Instead of turning it down he started tweaking the knob on the tank to the beat of the song playing on the stereo, it happened to be Sympathy for the Devil, in between whoo, hoo's he would twist the knob on the gas. "Ninety Nine, Ninety, Ninety Nine, Nine," I babbled. A kaleidoscope of colors absorbed my entire being. My hands where glowing rainbows surrounded by pitch black infinite. Then came falling, I opened my eyes. "Get him back up on the table". Jolene said to the guard. I could feel my body being moved, but when I closed my eyes, it went dark again, Keith Richards Guitar solo made my heart move inside of my chest.

I started swimming. The Frog swam towards me. Our faces met as air bubbles flew upwards between our mouths. "You should not have done this Tom", "What about Amy, Tom"? said Frog. "I trust my Father, he's a genius." I replied to Frog whilst treading in place. "Why would you trust him now, after all of these years since he's abandoned you, now you are going to trust that he has some crazy plan to save the world"! Said Frog in an angry tone. I broke down crying, "I don't have any other choice, What else can I do"! I shouted. "I can stay in this body and risk having my cancer come back and losing everyone in my life, or I can try and live a synthetic life". I declared to Frog. 

Concentrating on the breath in a pattern of four seconds 1-2-3-4 In, and 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 Out, now repeat until calm.    




I sat up in my bed, it was the same tent I slept in the night before, I looked at my hands,,,,,,,,everything looked as it did before, except it felt sort of different, sort of like being drunk from two glasses of wine, not inebriated, but tingly. I gazed up into the mirror, I looked exactly the same as before, I felt my back, right in the middle was the same electronic panel Jolene had. "That's your maintenance port" a voice said.


 I couldn't figure out where the voice came from, I got up and walked to my door, I looked around outside, but saw no one. I walked back towards the bed, "Who said that" ?  I asked. The voice was inside of me, it said "Inside of your inner thoughts, you have constant access to the motherboard, we can share all of the information in the world with each other". said father from within my head. "So you mean we're all logged in to the internet, like cellphones, right in our heads, whenever we think of something"? I asked. "Uh, yeah, pretty much, anything you want to know, just think of it and it's there." Father responded. "I guess I might be able to get used to this". I said. I looked back in the mirror, knowing that I could potentially live forever, I smiled, The haze of the transformation wore off.  I was now a part of the project to save the world.  I knew then that I had made the right choice. 

TWENTY - Air

  I woke up that morning pleased to see that Jolene was still there. "What's for breakfast down here, Rattlesnake"? I joked. Jolene did not respond. I put my hand on her shoulder, Jolene's eyes opened wide, quickly she sat up straight. She looked to her left, then to her right and then she opened her mouth. I wasn't sure what she was doing, a beam of light projected forth from within her mouth. A holographic image of my father appeared in the light. "Hey Tom, this is pretty cool technology, huh"? Father asked. "It's kind of weird how your projecting out of her mouth actually, can't you just come in and talk to me right now" I replied. "Oh, yeah I guess, I thought you would think think that was pretty cool, never mind." he said, disappointedly. 

Father walked into the tent as Jolene was leaving. "Well, have you thought about the offer"? Father questioned. "Tell me this first, our brains control our robot bodies, how is this possible"? I asked. "Son, it would take several weeks to try and explain the technology, I'm sure you know of the work of the scientist inventor Nikola Tesla, yes"? Father asked. "Vaguely". I replied. "He discovered a way to harness energy from the air somehow, right"? I said. "Sort of, well that's what I've done, everything in here is powered by an energy field that surrounds this cave". he informed me. "Also the signal from your brain, should you choose to go ahead with the procedure will be carried to your robot body through the air, thus I entitled  the program Air" He said. "So my robot body could theoretically live forever, while my brain sits in jelly sending signals through the air, what happens when we sleep, Jolene kind of freaked me out this morning" ?  I asked.

"That's the only tricky part I haven't perfected yet, the brains are constantly able to access information waves being sent through the air." he said. "I plan to make it so that when you sleep your dreams can be more real than you could ever imagine, I want to make it possible to control your dreams entirely, and then make them real." he added.

 I thought about what I had going on in my life, it didn't seem like real life was offering me much these days, so I thought about it some more, and then I gave my answer. " I'm in, I want to be part of the Air". 

 "Are you sure"? father questioned. I nodded and exclaimed " Yes I'm sure,  let's go save this stupid world" !

NINETEEN- Human we need contact

"My brain, could save the world"? I asked. Jolene passed the peace pipe to the guard and told me "We all are, our brains are currently logged into the Air, our bodies are not human".
Jolene stood up and unzipped her blouse again, "Whoa, hey, I don't want to be in some kind of orgy thing, Dad, I'm outta here" I said. "Wait, let me show you something". Jolene turned around to show me her back, it had an electrical panel with flashing computer lights. "Your Father is a genius Thomas, he invented a complex neuro-network called Air in which all humans can live forever in these robotic bodies". She said
"Why do you have to take my brains"? I asked. "In the future we plan to collect everyone's brains, we keep them in an organic stem cell bath which constantly regenerates fresh brain tissue keeping the brain ageless from the day it goes in, your Father invented that also" Jolene informed me. "Can I think about it"? I said. My dad rested his hand on my knee and said, son you have all the time in the world to think about it, but I need an answer tomorrow" he declared with a grin.

I went to bed stoned as a kite. When I closed my eyes  I could see Mickey Mouse and Bart Simpson, they were Square dancing with each other. In between do-si-do's Amy my girlfriend cut in and started dancing with Bart, I started to feel jealous. "How could she go for that loser, just because he's popular, that's all he has". I said in my sleep. Light from the outside of the tent swept in as the flap was lifted, it was Jolene."Do you mind if I sleep next to you tonight, I kind of have a weird thing about that" . she asked. "No, that's not weird at all, we're Human we need contact". I half-said not remembering I was talking to a robot. "Why do you look that way when you say that, do you not think that the network is real"? Jolene asked. "I do, absolutely, it's just going to take some time to get used to, we are all going to be robots"? I said.  Jolene got into bed with me and put my arm around her, I began to spoon with her.
"You will finally be able to live without fear, you just have to let go Thomas". she said. She turned around and kissed me on the forehead and we drifted off to sleep.

Number Eighteen- Yellow Overalls

Lying on the operating table was scary. I tried to not talk but the doctors kept asking me questions, "Do you live in Ann Arbor"? "Do you go to school here"? I suppose they wanted to make sure I was coherent enough to know what they where doing to me. Going through Cancer treatment you're going to have to get used to getting stabbed with needles. It's inevitable, I remember one day in particular being punctured in both arms at least four times each before the nurse could get an intravenous line into a vein. 

  So here I lay on this huge operating table, I've just been wheel-chaired in, I didn't think I needed one but who am I to argue, so It's a huge table with this giant x-ray camera thing attached to it. They put some ointments and assorted liquids on your arm and then cover your chest with a heavy metal jacket to protect you from being radiated. Next comes the drugs, I was so transfixed on this little dot on top of the x-ray camera that I didn't see them stab me with this needle but I felt it and it was huge and it was right in the arm. It feels exactly like a giant bee sting, except after this sting you don't feel any pain, in fact quite the opposite. "Do you want to watch this three feet of tubing being inserted into your heart through your arm above your elbow"? I remember the nurse asking. "Uh, sure how could I refuse that".   She pulled the monitor close so I could see the x-ray camera view of the inside of my arm with a three foot tube being threaded into it, all the way up the shoulder and into one of the main heart valves. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PICC_line

It sounds like a terrifying procedure, but honestly if you can find a way to zone out and go to another place mentally it's not as bad as it sounds. The real advantage of having a tube inside of your arm veins going directly to your heart is that they don't have to poke you as many times after that, they can pretty much pump anything they want into you at that point, they'll also take from that port when they need blood tests. So that means less pricks and nobody likes too many pricks.

"Get ready to take him, Jeff just called and they're on their way with the dope"? The other guard said through his mask. I just saw my Father Jeff shot so I wasn't sure if they were trying to mess with my head or what,  I went to my zone, I knew if I could remain calm I could get through this.

Just then my Father walks up with huge bags of herbs under each arm. "What's going on here, what are you guys doing with him, that's my son".  said Jeff.  He grabbed the gun of the guard with his mask still on and hit the unmasked guard over the head with it. The guard stumbled to the ground "I thought you'd like to add him to the Air, he'd be a perfect candidate." said the unmasked guard. "Dad," I groaned. "What"? he replied. "I'm feeling a tad deadish over here, you think you could take care of this snake bite pretty soon sweety cakes"? I said dazedly. He had his guards rush me over to a table where Jolene proceeded to suck the venom out of my arm, they gave me some pills and within minutes I was feeling better.

After resting for a moment I started to hear African music, or was it. "Wait, I know who that is, that's Fela Kuti, I can recognize those rhythms anywhere."  I left the medical tent and followed my ears to the music. As I lifted the flap to the tent I was greeted with a cloud of smoke, I was buzzed from the contact within an instant. I moved to the center of the tent where my Father sat in an easy chair holding an Indian peace pipe, "Come, sit down, relax my son" Jeff requested. I obliged and sat down next to Jolene, the other two guards where sitting on bean bag chairs starring at the ceiling. I took a puff off of the pipe and asked Jeff, "So, what's this whole Air thing you guys were talking about, you weren't really going to take my brain were you"? I said. Everyone in the tent starting laughing hysterically including myself for a moment. The one guard collected himself and then said to me "Well sort of, yes, we do still need your brains Thomas, we need it to save the world".

The SEVENTEENTH BLOG (Michigan Brains)

Jolene was a hot blonde, very hot. Her accent was French.  Her hair smelled like angels breath mixed with cookies, delicious fresh baked cookies. I followed her through the tunnel. " Are you a friend of Jeff's"?  I asked the mysterious woman. "Let's just say I know where you are going." she replied. "The Hotel"? I asked.  "Yes, of course the Hotel,,, she paused.  "In Montreal"?

After walking a bit she showed me into one of those old green army tents. The inside of the tent was lit with candles leading up to a round bed covered with a mesh canopy. "Would you like too make Loves before bed"? Jolene asked seductively. My eyes bigger than meteors, I stammered "Uh, Ah, Umm,  I have a, I have a, um,  firl griend, I mean I have a girlfriend, so that would be". She unzipped her blouse, threw it to the ground and pulled me by the wrist into the bed. I tried hard to resist but she seduced me.

As I lay there next to Jolene in the green army-tent I started to try and remember my girlfriends name again.  Her memory kept me going forward, that's the point of life maybe, just find someone and hold on to them. I wondered if she'd come looking for me. I did have her Neon parked outside of Crisco's house. I rolled onto my side and fell asleep.

When I awoke Jolene was missing. Her clothes and every trace of her were gone. "Oh, Don't tell me I imagined that part, no wait that would be great, that means I didn't cheat on Amy". It dawned on me that I finally could remember her name. Memories of times we shared raced through my mind. I felt a sense of joy followed by immense fear as I realized I was sitting on the bed next to a giant rattle snake. "Okay, just stay calm, don't let him feel your fear" I thought. I motioned my hand as slowly as I could over the snakes head, thinking like the many nature show hosts I watch I could simply capture the snake by tricking him and grabbing his head quickly. His fangs unleashed a vicious bite into my upper forearm causing blood to squirt forth like a geyser. The sound of his teeth ripping into my flesh sounded like someone taking a bite out of a crisp Michigan Apple.

My arm started to feel numb but I kept walking forward in the tunnel, hopefully I could find Jolene maybe she could help. I passed out on the ground, it felt like a ton of bricks hit me and then I was paralyzed. I heard Jolene in the distance speaking to someone, "He's ready let's get him to the operating room, we don't have much time before Jeff comes back". Two men in army fatigues with gas masks on walked over towards me with a stretcher, Jolene watched from the distance. "Where are you taking me". I managed to mutter. The one guard took off his mask and said"Didn't she tell you?" he pointed at Jolene, they both smiled at each other and that's when he told me "We are going to take your brains Thomas".

The Sixteenth Blog (The water keeps running)

Climbing down the ladder I felt remorse. I never got to say goodbye to my Father before he died. The cave was smoky and full of dust, shinning in the distance was a white light. I traveled towards it. My face felt sunken. I was operating in auto-pilot. I had no reasons to live, I didn't love her anymore, I felt. I kept walking forward into the dust when I saw the opening, it was about the size of garbage can lid. I hesitated to go through knowing not if I could make it. I held my breath and went in without thinking.

Inside the hole of the cave was like being trapped in a sleeping bag full of rocks in the dark. Tiny bugs were there luckily to keep me company in the tunnel, as well as in my nose, "Get out of there"!  The tunnel was long, but it only took fifteen minutes to worm my way through. Sure as my Father had told me, there was a tiny tunnel which led to a much bigger tunnel with old mining carts on a track. "Well, let's see here, we got a couple of levers here, this one says forward, I guess I'll pull that sucker".  I said aloud. Without thinking I pulled said lever and said mining cart started to take off swiftly without me. I shifted the lever in the opposite direction and the cart stopped. Slowly the cart squelched backwards as I throttled back the reverse lever. I hopped into the cart and pulled the forward lever leaving any sense of worry behind.


My mind started to drift again sitting in the tiny cart strolling through an intricate set of underground tunnels. I wondered, had my whole life led up to this point, or am I the reason I'm here? Do we ever really know what's going to happen next in our lives. Perhaps if I hadn't trusted the text from the frog I would never have ended up back in the well.  The cart came to a grinding halt. I could hear footsteps approaching in the distance. I grabbed the tiny miners shovel that was in the cart and held it in a defensive position. "Is that who I think it is"? I said aloud to myself. The woman got closer, she was wearing high-heels.  "My name is Jolene, have you been to Montreal" ? She asked. "Never been" I replied.

The Fifteenth Blog (CranBarry White Grape Juice)

"How did you get here" ? asked the voice in the dark. "I recognized the well from a dream I had" I responded. With my arms balanced on jagged rocks I pulled myself up to a seated position. The voice laughed and then said "You were not dreaming my son and this is also not a dream". Like the sun itself had focused all of it's rays on the cave at once an aura of light shined through the ferns creating dancing patterns of light on the cave walls. "Ribbit"..."Ribbit" "Yes it is I the frog who has led you along on this journey so far". said Frog. 

"What happened to my Father is he alive" ? I questioned Frog. "I believe it's what they call an illusion, you hallucinated him, he  never really was here." the frog responded. A twisted feeling in my gut told me that the frog was lying.  I know my Dad and I know that was him laying there with dynamite strapped to his chest. My Father sprang from the rubble covered in black soot only to stomp on the frog "Ribbit". "C'mon we gotta get out of here this place is gonna blow" Father screamed at me. 

After fleeing the well at an excelled pace it was apparent that I didn't know what was going on. My Dad just stepped on the Frog that I was going to follow, "Now what am I going to do",  I thought to myself. All of a sudden the earth shook under our feet, what little hearing of mine that had returned now turned back into ringing.  Father ducked down to his knees. I did the same. "Should we go to the Hotel in Montreal?" I asked loudly. "I have no idea what Hotel in Montreal you're talking about, this here underground Hotel under a cave that literally just blew up under our feet is the only Hotel I knew of!" He yelled back. "Well then who's the one who sent me the text saying to go to Montreal to meet my Father?" I asked "That's that crazy frog, he's crazy, man you can't trust a talking frog , haven't you learned anything Thomas "!, He spouted.  He started walking back towards the well remains. "Where are you going now, there's nothing left down there." I stated.  He waved forward motioning me to come by his side. He whispered in my ear, "There is a passage in the cave that leads all the way to Montreal Canada, it is very small at first but then there are carts you can ride the rest of the way, be careful, now go!" just then a sharp ping buzzed passed my face just missing me. "Did you hear that?" I asked Jeff. Before I could realize that the second shot was a riffle shot I noticed the first shot hit my dad in the throat, he fell to ground bleeding profusely. "Go, Go," He gurgled. I made my way down the well one more time, just missing being shot. 

The Fourteenth Blog (Ferns)

I followed the frog to the well and I decided I would climb down. I said goodbye to the frog, prayed to god and descended into the well. Halfway down the ferns above closed back up over the top of the well, just as they had before. Soon the sound of dripping water was present and I was down at the bottom of the ladder.

I flicked my lighter on to see if I could spot the wall covering, which led to the entrance of the Hotel. It was strange this time I could not find the wall covering, it was all cave, just dark cave. Suddenly a panic attack absorbed my every thought. I had to sit in a corner of the cave rocking back and forth trying to relax myself and forget about the surroundings I was in. The slow breathing got me back to where I needed to be quickly. Listening closely to the sounds of the water dripping I soon began to realize that I could also hear music somewhere off in the distance. It was the African Tribal music from the elevator in the hotel and it was coming from a long corridor in the cave. I gathered up my courage and walked towards the sound. A flashing light up ahead caused me to have further trepidation about moving forth, but something propelled me forward.

The music was getting closer to my ear range. As if in a realistic nightmare so real, my eyes ceased to comprehend reality. Laying on the floor of the elevator with dynamite strapped to his chest was my Father. A very tall thin man with short white hair and a lab coat was standing next to my father holding some kind of trigger device. I said to the man "What are you doing to my father, is he alive"? I started calling to my father who did not appear to be conscious, "Hey Pops, you okay man"? He did not respond,  the man with the lab coat turned to me not saying anything. He smiled and pulled out a needle from his pocket. I fled hoping I could get out of the well and go get help. Lab coat Man chased me down the corridor where I ducked down around the corner. I found a big rock and waited for him to come around the corner, I could hear his feet fast approaching, then suddenly they stopped.

 I heard him rustling with something and then a click and then a boom. The concussion from the blast made my ears start to ring, the entire cave was filled with dust. I started to cry as I was yelling out to my Father "Dad Are you okay!" I screamed.  Through the haze of the dust light started to penetrate from the well's top. I started to climb the ladder, I wanted this nightmare to be over. I got to the top of the ladder where the ferns were covering. I had my hand on one of the ferns when I felt something on my leg, I looked down and Lab coat Man had stuck me in the leg with the needle. I fell off of the ladder hitting my head on some broken cave pieces. I could tell whatever I had been drugged with was really strong as I could not even stand. Through blurry vision I saw something in my hands, I realized it was some of the ferns, I felt light headed and then passed out.

The Thirteenth Blog (The frog finds it well.)

  As we cruised in the lite green Dodge Neon I was jammin some Steppenwolf on my Ipod. "Chuk ch chuk ch chuk chuk bow! bow! Getch yer motor runnin!, Head out on da highway!" I screamed to the frog.   Living in Michigan I wasn't far from the border and although I had no idea where Montreal was I knew it was in Canada and that's where we were going. Well that was the plan at least.

  I got about half way to the Ambassador bridge when I realized I had a  bag of weed in the glove box "I can't go across the border with this stuff Frog, I'm going to have to get rid of it." I said to the frog. Once again I knew I'd might be getting into a situation I would regret but I went ahead and carried on with my whim. I knew it wouldn't be smart to just pull over and start puffin on the herbs on the side of the road. I was wise enough to know that that's an easy way to get busted. So instead I decided to see if my half-sister Jewel's husband Crisco was home.

  Crisco had recently lost his job and starting selling weed while taking care of their Autistic child Cyrus. I called him on my cellphone. "Is this Crisco"I said "No this is yo mother, how you doin kid? Whatch you want a tiny ass eighth sack again." Crisco replied. "Naw man, I wanted to know if it would be cool to come by and chill and smoke, I'm in the area and I thought you'd like to check out my Frog." I said. "You're frog, fuck that shit man, Yo I don't want no warts up in this piece or nothin like that son, ya feel me?" Crisco replied.


  I arrived there shortly after we talked. Crisco had a freshly rolled blunt smoking in his hand as I walked in the door. "Hit some a dis shit homie" he said with clouds of smoke billowing forth from his face. "Uh? I'm trying to cut back actually dude, I kind of promised,,, " I stopped short as I still couldn't remember her name. Crisco smacked me upside the forehead and said "Hit It! YOU PUSSY!" he put his arm around my neck and did some mixed martial arts hold on me, he then put the blunt in my mouth and forced me to take in copious amounts of smoke until my eyes were blue and I was coughing up a storm.

I was now completely baked, there was no way I would be making it across the border. "What are you doin tonight man!, you want to go see some titty tonight, yeahhh!!!, we'll get fucked up, go lick some stripper titty! Wooo!!" Crisco exclaimed. "UH, yeah as great as that sounds Crisco I actually have some business I have to attend to in Canada, so if you don't mind I want to give you this weed here, and I gotta get flyin man, but thanks." I said with my foot going towards the door. "Wait a minute, Canada? Fuckin Canada, dude! you do know they show beaver there, tell me you know they show beaver over there?" He asked. I sighed and said "Yes, I suppose I've heard they show beavers over there." Crisco tilted his head raised an eyebrow and said. "Than we are going to look at some Canadian beavers bitch!" Then out of nowhere a spider gracefully falls from the ceiling onto Crisco's nose, the spider bites Crisco and he falls onto the living room table sending drug paraphernalia flying into the air. I shook my head, threw the bag of weed on him and jumped back in the car to tell Frog what had just happened. I opened the door and looked in the box for Frog, of course the frog had disappeared.  I saw him jump away into the woods where I chased him until suddenly he came to a dead stop at a well surrounded by ferns.

The Twelfth Blog (Rompings and Ribbitts)

I turned around, she was standing there in the garage."What's going on"? she asked. "Nothing"! I replied swiftly. I knew for some reason that if she saw the GPS she would not understand why I needed to go to Montreal and meet with my Father. "Are you out here smoking cigarettes again"? she asked. I took my chances and said that I was smoking in the garage in hopes that she would leave long enough for me to make my grand exit. She started sniffing about, nose up in the air, brow furled, "I don't smell any smoke". she stated. then she added "Why do you look so nervous,have you been smoking pot again too?" A memory came back to me at this moment. 

It was Christmas time a few years back, she had always wanted me to quit smoking pot ever since I had started. "But it makes my writing more ethereal". would always be my argument. She won me over with her heart and beautiful face, I promised I would dry out for the winter and see how things went. That's when she caught me that Christmas Eve, I told her that I was sick and that I had a terrible headache, I couldn't make it to her family's party. To my surprise she decided to check in on me before she went to the party. That's when she walked in on me with my two foot bong loaded up with ice and smoke, listening to Bob Marley. It was one of the lowest points in my life, of course after she left I finished the bowl and fell a sleep eating Swiss cake-rolls.

"I'm not nervous at all" I told her. I started to rub her shoulder and she kissed me. I pulled her close, her hair got caught on the cars door. We fell back into the driver seat of the car and started to make out. Soon we had writhed our way into the back seat and we made love. The morning came quickly and I awoke to realize it was 9:30 she had gone off to work already. The GPS  had gotten knocked down onto the passenger seat from the nights rompings. I went to pick it up and it turned on by itself and said"Please drive to highlighted route". I took a deep breath. I couldn't decide whether I should go on a whim and trust that maybe my dad will really be at this hotel in Montreal. Or do I stay here with the woman who's name I can't remember but I know I love. I took another deep breath. The frog jumped in the window and sat in passenger seat. He let out a "ribbitt" and I said "Yep, I suppose you are correct sir". I ran inside the house and packed some things. I prepared a box for Frog with lettuce and some apple juice. "How far is Montreal'? I thought to myself. "I guess we'll see, right frogger"? I said to the frog. Frog let out another ribbitt and then we left.

Eleventh Blog (Eh?)

She wasn't from Canada. The accent was an inside joke we had with each other. I still couldn't remember anything else about her, not even her name. "What's wrong"? she asked. "You've been laying on the floor there for the past two minutes mumbling to yourself, here let me help you up" she said. I told her the last thing I remembered was the spider running across the floor and the gunshots outside. "What Gun shots"? She asked.

I said I had a headache and headed off to my bedroom. I lay there in bed but once again nothing would help me get to sleep. I decided to send my Dad an email and ask him what he had been up to, and if he perhaps was living in an underground hotel, you know, the usual stuff.

4:00 A.M. my phone starts vibrating so I check to see what's up. My father text messaged me that something incredible had happened and that he wanted me to meet him in Montreal Canada.  I heard a tapping on my window. I opened the window and stuck my neck out to look around and a frog jumps from the ground landing on my head. This feels kind of cool for a second, but quickly the realization that I have a slimy frog on my head at four in the morning sets in and I yell at the frog "get the fuck off of my head"! The frog jumps off of my head into my room, I run after trying to catch it. He manages to get passed me jumping down the hall where I stub my toe on the corner of the wall "Shit"! I say.  Limping into the kitchen I see him sitting on the counter. "You can't possibly be the same frog, can you "? I ask insanely to a frog. He jumps off of the counter and I go diving through the air to catch him but come up short again.

I figured he may have made his way into the garage, considering the door was open for some reason. The door was open to our car also, I noticed the GPS navigation system was plugged in and turned, "I don't usually leave that plugged in" I thought to myself. All of a sudden the voice on the GPS said, "Please drive to  the highlighted route". I decided to see where the destination point was on the map,  it was set for a Hotel in Montreal Canada.

Tenth Blog (Bloggin it up)

Flick' went the lighter  "Ah man, You still smoke those things"? I said.  He lit one of his menthol 100's ciggs then replied "Yep". "I have a million questions, but I have a bigger headache,  so if you don't mind I'd like to go to bed right now and chat in the morning" I said. He showed me to my room on the fourth floor of the old, nice looking hotel that was underground with an entrance that was a hole in a cave, which  we got to from climbing down a well.  I sat on the bed and wondered, "How does he get cable down here"?, I'm watching MSNBC in an under-ground hotel, pretty cool. I even checked my Facebook and my Blog stats.

My mind drifted and I started losing grip with reality. Could this all even be possible? I tried so hard to think of her name and , it couldn't come to me. Was she ever real? I ran into the bathroom to cool off with some water. There was an old porcelain faucet in the bathroom that I could see in the dark. I turned the faucet on and it started making an unusual sound. I turned the light switch on. In the mirror I thought I could see a man with an axe coming towards me screaming bloody murder. Suddenly the light bulb in the lamp exploded throwing pieces of the bulb everywhere. I was hit  above the eye, but soon the blood started flowing down into it. Luckily I was pretty sure I had just imagined the guy with the axe, but I was still highly anxious.

I managed to clean the blood off of my face using the light from my laptop reflected against the mirror. That's when I noticed that my pupils where the size of moon beams. My heart started to race out of control and my head was pounding. Somehow I managed to get myself to the bed. I did what I had done so many times in the hospital when I was closest to death,  I meditated. It took about an hour of slow concentrated breathing, in with the positivity of the universe, out with the negativity that plagues us. Eventually I was calm, I opened my eyes and she said. "Where the heck did you go"?, in a Canadian accent.

The Ninth Blog (I once left a Tiger hat at an Outback)

"Let's go to my living quarters" Jeff said. "Ummm? You live in a cave, man?" I replied. "What's wrong with that" he retorted. I found it hard to believe, but I found this entire evening unbelievable so, oh well let's go to the living quarters. I walked forward with the flashlight. I saw a large wall covering, it was a mandala woven with white and red yarn. To me it looked like red and white blood cells colliding within the bone marrow." It's beautiful' I said. "It took a long time to make." he said pulling it aside.

The covering opened to expose a hole in the wall. Once through the cave wall I was again in complete darkness. I heard a lite switch flick on. "Casa de Jeff!" he shouted. His voiced echoed across the giant,  empty hotel that we where now standing in the lobby of. My eyes gazed the vastness of the hotel. "Shall I show you to your quarters?" Father asked. "I suppose that would be a good idea." I replied.

We walked down a corridor towards a set of elevators, they looked really old and dusty. "Do those things even work dad?" I said. "Oh sure, I just greased them last week." he said while pressing the down button. "Greased them, you say, well that's reassuring" I commented. The ornate doors to the elevator opened. The inside was surprisingly clean and maintained in contrast to the outside. African tribal chant music started playing on a tiny sound system within the elevator. "Oh boy, uh Dad, why are the numbers for the floors covered up with pictures of breasts, just curious?" I asked. He pointed at the numbers, and the breasts and scowled and stated, "Just press the 4 son."

The Eighth Blog (The Christians are always right.)

His gray hair disappeared into the well and I followed. I took one last look around and thought to myself, "I don't know what's down there but it feels like I should go." It was hard to grip the ladder with my flashlight hand. I went very slowly one rung at a time.  I called down, "Hey Dad, about how far down is this well?" I heard no response. "Where did you go?" I hollered.  The ferns above started closing over the top of the well. It was now pitch black. I could tell my father wasn't below, but it sounded like water dripping.

My knees buckled as I dropped down from the last rung. It was a big open cave. I started to get up off of the ground when I realized I had landed on the frog. He was completely squished in my pocket, great. "Well it's like I always say, could be worse" I said to myself.  I started to wave the flashlight around to see where my father went.

In the far end of the cave he appeared holding a torch. The flame woofed towards me. I could feel my eyebrows being singed by the flame. "Whoah! What the hell are you doing? Where did you go?" I demanded. "Chill, chill, Tommy boy have a puff on this herb, you'll feel better" he said while handing me a joint. I yanked it out of his hand and put it in my mouth and proceeded to light it with the torch. After taking a few puffs I started to calm down. "I'm sorry about the frog, I don't think he made the trip." I said whilst patting my pants pocket to pull out the frog. My father dangled the frog alive as can be in front of me and said "This little guy, he's just fine." I shrugged my shoulders and took another puff.

THE SEVENTH BLOG (The Clash is definitely from England)

"Hurry up, put this frog in your pocket" the old man said. I reluctantly put the frog in my pocket. My dad was always a strange one, but I always trusted him. He motioned forward and we walked into the darkness of the forrest.

I couldn't help but start to think of the last time I talked to my Dad. I was in the hospital, it may have been a few weeks into the first chemo-therapy treatment. "Green Beens for lunch today, great", my phone rang. Could be important, to bad these Vicodins make watching Cash-Cab soooo fun, I won't be answering it. My Mom answered, "It's your Dad, here." "Hello, I suppose you've heard I almost bit the bullet" I said. "Yeah, You sound pretty good, are they taking care of you?" he asked. "Yes, they're great, I couldn't ask for a better place to be, under these circumstances anyway." I explained. I told him I would try to get a sponge bath from a nurse and we said goodbye. That was the last time I spoke to my father until now.

We were walking through the forrest for what seemed like a mile. I could barely see in front of me. "Okee Dokee, we're here" my Dad said. "Uh? Where the heck are we again exactly?" I questioned. "This is it man, Tom! this is the best place you could ever imagine, cmon' we gotta go down this well" he said.  "What the hell is down the well" I responded swiftly. He looked directly into my eyes and said "Trust me"
Quickly and to my surprise he revealed a well that was right in front of us covered in ferns. He handed me his flashlight and down he climbed the rusty little ladder into the darkness once again.

The Sixth Blog (Mushroom Cloud)

The sharp stinging pain came, and then Darkness. My whole body was aching, it was hard to open my eyes, my head was pounding and then I realized, I don't know where in the hell I am. "Why is my hand covered in dirt", I think to myself as my eyes start to focus.

A howling wind, just my luck,  here come the chills. "Oww" I  hit my head on a tree branch as I rose swiftly to my feet while rubbing my arms to keep warm. "I'm in the forest, okay, this makes absolutely no sense." I scan around looking for her, I can't remember what happened, I remember the spider, and the cracking sounds, but I don't even recognize the woods that I am in, there's nothing familiar about this place.
 
"What are you doing here?" a voice asked from the darkness of the trees. At this point I definitely pee my pants a little bit. "Who said that?" I replied shakily. Some bushes started shaking and out from the tree line came a tall dark figure holding a walking stick and walking towards me, as he got closer I could see he looked peaceful, he was an old man with long gray hair and a beard, his face looked so familiar but I couldn't place it, just then a frog splashed out of a near puddle, the man grabbed the frog in the palm of his hand and just then the moon illuminated his face, "Father is that you?" I exclaimed with disbelief. "Yep, it's me Jeff your Pops, how's it goin?" he said.

Fifth Blog

There was a red baseball cap sitting next to the sewer drain. I picked it up and looked at it Jeff was written on the tag, "hmm?" I said. I set it back on the curb, leaving it for Jeff, hopefully. Nothing looked out of place with the mailbox,  for some reason I noticed a parked car with it's lights on up the street, suddenly their lights went off. "Well, everything looks in place here, no need to do any further investigating." I said to myself. I gathered my stack of junkmail and netflix from the mailbox and scurried back into my house.

"What, movies did ya get eh?" she said in a Canadian accent. "Summerslam 1988" I replied, in an Indian accent. "What the hell is that" she asked disgustedly. Just then a huge cracking sound could be heard from the outside, it didn't sound like lightning because it was sharper, it was then that one of the biggest spiders I have ever seen goes flying across the floor towards us, she runs out of the way screaming, I practically piss myself, I start randomly stomping on the floor trying to kill this ungodly sized creature, and at the same time I hear several more sharp bangs, except now I am certain that they are gun shots, so I'm distracted for a few seconds, not noticing the spider is now crawling up my leg, when it gets to my knee I fling it off of me and she swats it to the ground where I proceed to stomp until there was no more life left in the beastly spider.

The FOURTH BLOG (Newports,Cadillac,Snuggie)

I think it was a warm stormy night. Or was it? I could see my breath, it shown brightly among the streets' cars lights. I slipped my sandals on and opened the screen door, it creaked loudly, I noticed all of the moths fluttering around the spider webs, they had no chance, they were stuck. I patted my shirt pocket as to check for my Newports, oh yeah, I don't and can't smoke, that shit might have given me cancer, did you know you can take old butts and soak them in water and use that water as an insecticide?

"Who are you asking?" she said. I half turned my head toward her and said," the spiders, can you hear them they're talking?" She furled up her brow and walked back into the house avoiding my inane question. "Well, I can hear them, I hear them good and they say they have heard that before, so there" I said. Feeling a breeze about my neck it gave me the goose pimples reminding me of that dreaded question the doctors kept asking me,"Do you feel any chills?" Does the pope drive a fresh Cadillac. of course I get chills sometimes, should I buy a Snuggie.

The flag on the mailbox looked like someone had bent it sideways,  I walked towards it to investigate.

The Third Blog

Step inside my head, it's surrounded by brown hair.

I stopped listening to music, I don't find it interesting anymore, you've heard one song ya heard em all, that's what I say. I'm not going to download Pandora for my phone, so I can stream music, I don't even like it in my car, I'll listen to talk radio, or jazz, or classical, at least those musicians know they are boring, they're not trying to be different or outstanding in their field.

Scarecrow won an award once. Why's that? He was out standing in his field.

"Bombers over Venezuela reported kidney failure in their hearts, meanwhile the winds are blowing in the wrong direction Jerry." I think I read that on the wall in a bathroom in a dream once, I mean I was dreaming in the bathroom and when I woke up that's what I saw on the door, that was a strange Aplebees, but aren't they all.

Second blog

Basically everything I've ever done has been done to get girls

I probably shouldn't be drinking coffee at 9:45 PM. Do I look like I care? I don't know. Does anybody, these days?

I've heard this anti-bacterial soap is bad for you, because it kills the good bacteria, I suppose that sounds logical. Bad Bacteria lives in infamy, and well, good bacteria nobody ever mentions him, poor good bacteria, he don't get no r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

"Dead leaves and the dirty ground. I got my pooper scooper on hyper mode." That's just some words from a new rap song I'm working on, it's about Lesbians and the war and the sea, it's a work in progress.

I think Obama has his plate full, and I think the republicans are drooling on their plates, you know, because they are dummies. I don't know what I would do, but I know I don't want a tea bagger in any office, not even a post office, hardy har har.. fart sound, burp noise, kazoo, gong!

Hey, check this shit out!

I got me one a them blog thingies, nice. Ohhh... what did I do today? well. I was awesome all day, I know that. I got some donuts this morning, and now I'm watching this kooky guy on the news who is taking people hostage at the Discovery Channel building.

I don't like what mankind is doing to this planet either, but you can't go crazy and take people hostage with guns, violence never changes people's minds, too sad.

peace,