The Headless Bandit

The Headless Bandit rode into the night.
Children shaking, he caused great fright.
Where had the Bandit's head gone?
Had it wandered on and on?
When quaking boots calling, and howls of great fright.
Out of the darkness, a terrible sight.
The Bandit comes limping, by moon's early light.
A dreadful scream, from pale turned to white.
I think I'll leave, I think I might.
Or this could be my very last night.

Twenty Three - North Carolina

My anxiety used to control me, from the moment I awoke the fear of having to face the world consumed my every thought. I knew how many douche bags I would face in my day if I chose to interact with society. Why are so many people consumed with their own accomplishments and experiences, they don't even listen to you when you're talking to them? We need to slow way the fuck down and appreciate each others' experiences and then add them in to our knowledge of what it is to be human. What do I know though, I'm not even human anymore, I'm just a robot. 

I heard a knock at the tent, Jeff entered. "So, how have you been adjusting to everything" ? he asked. "I guess I've felt pretty normal, surprisingly". I said. "Sit down, I want to tell you what our plan is here". he told me. "The plans for Project Air came to me in a dream one night, I was living in the mountains of North Carolina in a tiny shack". he said. "It was the worst winter I had ever experienced, the snow fell for days and I was trapped in the shack for twenty days, on the twenty first night I had a dream, a voice spoke to me and told me the entire scientific process of turning a human into a robot."  "When I awoke from this life changing dream in a cold sweat I heard a thumping sound coming from the wooden floors' boards."

"Upon hearing the sounds coming from the floor I lifted the board to reveal a tiny frog". he said. I did not like where this story was going. "Let me guess, did you follow the frog somewhere" ? I interrupted. "Yes, I did, how did you know" ? he asked.  "Oh, lucky guess". I replied. "Well, I followed this frog to the coat closet, it turned out there was a secret passage in the back, I followed the frog through the secret passage into a tunnel system which  lead me to the base camp here".  "Ever since the first night of the dream with the voice, I had been having the same dream, but different, amazing scientific theories and instructions on how to create these inventions every night, I assumed it was the voice of God, I did not question them for they were always right" he stated. 

"So you think that God wanted us to become artificial in order to show humanity what, I don't fully understand" ? I inquired. "That's the great thing about faith Tom, you don't have to understand it, you just have to believe in it, I believed in the voices in my head and it turned out they were right every time, they helped me build this entire complex, I had no knowledge of electrical engineering and scientific  processes." he said while spinning his straw hat around his index finger.  I was about to ask him another question when to my surprise my sister Jewel and her husband Crisco who was holding a shot gun to the back of my father's head appeared. "Don't move a muscle bitch, you thought you could kill me with a spider" ? shouted Crisco with a crooked grin.

Twenty Two - Don't try

My name is Tom I am 29 years old, I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I am a robot. The first day went pretty smooth, mostly I sat in my tent with my eyes closed picking up  cable satellite signals with my brain, I must have watched 14 hours of an Different Strokes marathon, that was pretty cool. One of the hardest things to get used to was not being hungry, your mind would be confused at the times of day when you usually ate. I caught myself at one point gnawing on the front of my shirt, it happened to be right around lunch time. 


 I walked out to the center of the cave where everyone was gathered doing Yoga. "What's the point of doing Yoga if our body's are synthetic"? I questioned the group. Jeff answered, "Our bodies though synthetic must be at one with our minds, we are tuning the two as one".   "Oh". I replied. "Also, it keeps our joints from rusting, literally." Father added. I joined the group and soon I began to feel what my father had just described. Both mind and body were functioning as one. Being a robot was not as hard as I had thought at first, it just takes a minute to get used to is really all it is.


After Yoga, Jolene and I played a game of basketball against the guards. After the game I heard one of the guards say to the other  "Hey, man I gotta go take a leak". "Yeah me too, hold up". said the other guard. Upon hearing them, I thought to myself "Hey, I think I have to take a leak also". So I followed them to the bathroom. They turned around at the bathroom entrance at the same time and one of them said, "What the fuck do you think you doing" ? I responded "Well, to be honest with you I was thinking about taking a leak, that's pretty much it, is that not what the bathroom is for"? The guard on the left turned around to go towards the bathroom, but suddenly he swung back around. The guard knocked me to the ground with an uppercut to the face. I felt my nose, "What is this, why do I feel pain"? The voice in my head answered me. "You have synthetic nerve endings in your robotic body identical to the human body, with time you will feel more and more being re-activated".  I got back up to defend myself but to my surprise both guards were already busy peeing down a hole in the center of the room. Their pee was bright neon glowing and there was clouds of steam coming from their streams. "What the fuck"? I shouted. "It's the plutonium condensation, didn't he tell you we're nuclear, you got about enough plutonium in your stomach right now to power a Russian sub, ha ha ha." laughed the guard. I started to feel a rumbling in my stomach, I knew I had to pee, but I was leery of the plutonium. 


My first day as a robot was a learning experience, but all in all it was fun. I knew that soon my Father would be filling me in on the true purpose of all of this. I knew that he had a plan, or at least I hoped he did. Just then I heard Fathers' voice,  "Son I need to talk to you in about an hour, I will meet you at your room, it's rather important." This was it, the meaning of it all, why was I here, I would soon find out.

Twenty One - More Frog

The inside of the operating tent was comforting, The walls on the inside were coated with white plastic, everything looked double sterile. "Just lay back on the table, we'll give you some gas and when you wake up you will be in your new self Thomas". said Father. I hopped onto the table and put the mask on. "Count down from One Hundred Thomas", said Father. "One Hundredd" instantly the gas kicked on at full burst, "Sorry, I'll turn it down". said Jeff. Instead of turning it down he started tweaking the knob on the tank to the beat of the song playing on the stereo, it happened to be Sympathy for the Devil, in between whoo, hoo's he would twist the knob on the gas. "Ninety Nine, Ninety, Ninety Nine, Nine," I babbled. A kaleidoscope of colors absorbed my entire being. My hands where glowing rainbows surrounded by pitch black infinite. Then came falling, I opened my eyes. "Get him back up on the table". Jolene said to the guard. I could feel my body being moved, but when I closed my eyes, it went dark again, Keith Richards Guitar solo made my heart move inside of my chest.

I started swimming. The Frog swam towards me. Our faces met as air bubbles flew upwards between our mouths. "You should not have done this Tom", "What about Amy, Tom"? said Frog. "I trust my Father, he's a genius." I replied to Frog whilst treading in place. "Why would you trust him now, after all of these years since he's abandoned you, now you are going to trust that he has some crazy plan to save the world"! Said Frog in an angry tone. I broke down crying, "I don't have any other choice, What else can I do"! I shouted. "I can stay in this body and risk having my cancer come back and losing everyone in my life, or I can try and live a synthetic life". I declared to Frog. 

Concentrating on the breath in a pattern of four seconds 1-2-3-4 In, and 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 Out, now repeat until calm.    




I sat up in my bed, it was the same tent I slept in the night before, I looked at my hands,,,,,,,,everything looked as it did before, except it felt sort of different, sort of like being drunk from two glasses of wine, not inebriated, but tingly. I gazed up into the mirror, I looked exactly the same as before, I felt my back, right in the middle was the same electronic panel Jolene had. "That's your maintenance port" a voice said.


 I couldn't figure out where the voice came from, I got up and walked to my door, I looked around outside, but saw no one. I walked back towards the bed, "Who said that" ?  I asked. The voice was inside of me, it said "Inside of your inner thoughts, you have constant access to the motherboard, we can share all of the information in the world with each other". said father from within my head. "So you mean we're all logged in to the internet, like cellphones, right in our heads, whenever we think of something"? I asked. "Uh, yeah, pretty much, anything you want to know, just think of it and it's there." Father responded. "I guess I might be able to get used to this". I said. I looked back in the mirror, knowing that I could potentially live forever, I smiled, The haze of the transformation wore off.  I was now a part of the project to save the world.  I knew then that I had made the right choice.